Among the most difficult parenting tasks, there are few as dreaded as asking a child to put down the device that’s just absorbed their attention for hours.
As a parent, you feel guilty that it got this far. You’re also gearing up for a potential fight, should that child throw a toddler, tween, or teen tantrum. As they say, nobody wants this.
While setting new boundaries on screen time might feel daunting, experts want you to know that a reset is possible. The new year, with its fresh beginnings and renewed optimism, is a great time to make such a move.
Think of it not as a battle, says Catherine Price, co-author of the new book The Amazing Generation: Your Guide to Fun and Freedom in a Screen-Filled World. Instead, remember that you’re working toward a shared goal frequently thwarted by social media and excessive screen time.
“In reality, we really should be on the same side, because what do we want for ourselves and our kids?” says Price. “We want to have meaningful and fun lives, with strong relationships.”
With that in mind, follow these four strategies to help your child reclaim their time from digital screens:
1. Don’t lecture about screen time rules
Parents keen on curbing screen use often make the mistake of lecturing their child on the topic. Price says it’s more effective to start a family conversation about how screen time makes each person feel, whether it’s their own or yours.
This part is important, and an oft-missing ingredient in efforts to recalibrate device use, because parents must reckon with their own habits.
It’s worse than you might expect. Take, for example, a recent nationally representative Girl Scouts survey of 1,000 5-to-13-year-olds which found that 52 percent struggled to get their parents’ attention because they were on their own phones.
“What are you modeling currently for your kids?” says Price, who was not involved in the survey. “Because you can’t expect your kids to follow your instructions if you’re not following those habits yourself.”
“What are you modeling currently for your kids?”
You might rely on your own memory, but that’s unlikely to offer a full picture of what your kids experience. Instead, look at any screen time reports created by your personal devices.
Price recommends drilling down to time spent using specific apps. A road trip might give the impression that you spent eight hours glued to your phone when it was just using a maps app. But several hours of regular daily use on an app like TikTok or WhatsApp should be a wakeup call for parents about their own habits, and one they might not recognize without objective data.
Price also suggests treating the conversation about household screen time rules as a mini science experiment wherein both kids and parents get to track what they observe, then talk about it together. The point is to identify what aspects of parent or child screen time lead to unpleasant experiences like negative or hurt feelings and limited socializing.
Parents might also be surprised by their child’s interest or curiosity in spending less time online. The Amazing Generation, co-written with Dr. Jonathan Haidt, is a middle school-aged companion book to his best-seller The Anxious Generation. Presented with graphic novel elements, it also includes regretful anecdotes from young adults who wished their childhood and adolescence hadn’t been dominated by social media and screen time.
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Relatedly, the Girl Scouts survey similarly found that 46 percent of girls felt pressure to be online, even if they weren’t enjoying it.
2. Set and stick to rules for screen time
Dr. Jean Twenge, a psychologist and author of 10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World: How Parents Can Stop Smartphones, Social Media, and Gaming from Taking Over Their Children’s Lives, says parents should create new household screen time guidelines based on conversations with their kids, or return to enforcing existing rules. For help with this task, parents can consult the American Academy of Pediatrics’ customizable resource for creating a family media plan.
Twenge, a mother of three teens who’s conducted extensive academic research on screen time, recommends setting the same standards for every child in the household. This might include no smartphones and social media until age 16, time limits on specific devices, and prohibiting certain apps or websites. Parents should follow household expectations as well, like device-free mealtimes.
Even if the plan goes well at first, there will be moments you feel like relenting, because of inconvenience, crisis, or peer pressure. Twenge suggests having a plan for these times.
Airplane rides, for example, might be the exception to your thoughtful rules, when the 10-year-old gets unlimited time on their favorite gaming platform. It’s important to be transparent about these exceptions to avoid confusion and backtracking.
Twenge also encourages parents to substitute TV time for device use at home if they really need to occupy a child. You’ll know what they’re watching, compared to how they might spend time on a tablet or phone, and the content is probably higher quality than watching short videos on social media.
Along with the rules you set, Twenge urges parents to use parental controls or even a third-party monitoring system. Even if your child has limited screen time, you still want to prevent them from discovering or engaging with harmful content.
Twenge says she’s come to the “reluctant conclusion” that device and app-specific parental controls are so difficult to use that third-party software, like Bark or Aura, may be necessary to ensure they’re staying safe and following the rules you’ve set.
3. Coach kids through the downsides of less screen time
Even if a child likes the idea of spending less time online, the very real tradeoffs to them can include boredom and social exclusion.
Sarah Keating, vice president of Girl Scout Experience for the Girl Scouts, says parents play an important role in coaching kids through these concerns. First, she says adults need to be comfortable with the idea of their children being bored.
To make this less painful for everyone, Keating recommends offering screen-free alternatives that help satisfy the tactile sensory experience of picking up a phone or tablet. For younger children, these could be blocks or markers. Older children might enjoy an activity book like Mad Libs or doing something with their hands, such as crocheting.
Twenge suggests asking a tween or teen to make a list of activities they can do instead of scrolling or posting. You might also discuss how screen time can worsen their boredom, a phenomenon that research suggests is real.
It’s also helpful to remind teens of what they still have, Twenge says, particularly if you’ve given them a “dumb” phone or voice over internet protocol (VoIP) phone to communicate with friends.
Keating acknowledges that kids use technology and internet culture to create cliques that exclude others. She says it’s critical to talk with your child about this dynamic and help them create a script they can use in such situation. Instead of feeling rejected, for example, the child might ask their friend with curiosity about a meme they’ve referenced.
4. Encourage real-world freedom over screen time
Price likes to flip the concern about missing out on its head by pointing out what offline opportunities kids will lose if they spend so much time online.
In this regard, she hopes that parents trying to set new screen time norms for their kids also offer real-world freedom that helps build confidence and independence.
“It’s not just about restriction,” Price says. “It’s about actually making life more fun and enjoyable.”
Tweens and teens might get opportunities to walk to the store or a friend’s house by themselves. While younger children might need a different approach, parents can focus on ensuring they’re playing with friends or at the park instead of sitting at home on a screen.
To generate more ideas, parents can ask their children what they’re interested in trying or learning and then figure out ways for them to do that independently.
The way Price thinks about it, recalibrating screen time isn’t just about getting kids offline, it’s about bringing “kids back to life.”
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